Hay Is For Horses

I have proven myself to be highly unreliable when it comes to posting on here. I have always taken pride on being reliable in all facets, so it’s a little concerning that I’m letting myself slip so badly. Like worse than normal, which if you’ve visited my site at all since the spawning of C&C, you’ll know is pretty darn tooting bad. Whoopsies.

No more promises from me to uphold a more steady and consistent blog. Clearly I’m full of shit. It’s not that I don’t have a million things floating around my head that I want to get out. I’ve just been so consumed with internal survival that anything which isn’t directly related to putting one foot in front of the other has been abandoned until further notice.

I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal. I am, however, convinced that I’m still in the midst of my existential crisis at the tender age of 30. So most days I’ve been struggling with my purpose. I have oodles of ambition, there are so many things I want to do with my life, but I have felt like I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place for the past 2 years. I’ve been living with self-imposed rose coloured glasses, thinking that it was how I need to cope. Cope with some truly shit decisions I’ve made over the past 48 months. Cope with my shame and embarrassment for the woman I’ve let myself slip into. Cope with my relationships across the board. Cope with my demons to be quite frank. There are lots of them, and sadly, unlike the monsters under the bed, you cannot hide under the covers and maintain a “if you don’t see it, it doesn’t see you” outlook. I’ve been running in circles and struggling with how to actually deal. So thank you for continuing to stop by in case I’ve actually bothered to write something. Thank you for spending any amount of time scrolling through my past posts.

I’m trying to decide how much of what I’ve been going through I want to share. I know there are tons of others who are in my boat, who could maybe benefit from knowing that someone else is fighting the same tides and rising waves. Maybe I can deliver a little help or insight as to how I plan to get good with each situation. But mostly, I’m blocked by shame. Shame and an unshakable loyalty that will uncover truths about people close to me that they may not want known. Mmmm… okay, truths that they most definitely won’t want known. And selfishly, truths about exactly what I’ve put up with and endured that will reveal how desperate and pathetic I view myself. I know that if any of my few friends were in my place, doing the things I do/have done, or putting up with things that I have continuously allowed to my detriment, I would scream at them and try to shake some sense into them. I know from a rational standpoint that I am my own worst enemy because you get what you allow. But the emotional part of me – the little girl trapped in my head who just so desperately wants to love and be loved, be happy and spread happiness, and not have to suffer any more heartache and heartbreak than she already has in life- is being a stubborn little bitch. I think I’m waiting to completely exhaust all emotions and all potential for fucks to give so that there is absolutely no way possible that the little girl can avoid the hard truths.

I will update a little on what I’ve been up to since my last post. In February I guess it was? Jeebus H Roosevelt Christ I slack.

I was living in Halifax from January to June. Not ready to fully delve into why I went to stay with my fam there for a few months, nor to why I decided to return to BC. But I drove across the country twice this year, and boy oh boy am I over that. I don’t love road trips enough to plan on doing anything like that again. Never say never, I know. But for now I am still maxed out on the Trans Canada Highway. But I will tell you, if you have any road trips planned, PODCASTS BABY. Before I departed Halifax (I drove 3/4 of the country solo), Mama told me to check out a few podcasts. It wasn’t something I’d gotten in to at that point. But she reminded me how sick of music I get after 16 hours at the wheel, and said it wouldn’t hurt to try. Life fucking changer. It made every day seem so much faster and painless! It’s like having a car full of people to hang out with. Not the least bit lonely, and depending on what you’re into, you can learn a shit ton in the process. So my fav podcasts now are as follows:

  • Small Town Murder; These dudes are hilarious. It’s a true crime show about murders that happen in small towns in America. Some of the stories are unbelievable. But these guys are comedians, and they provide such amazing information on each town they “visit” and truly make you feel like you’re there as the stories unfold. I won’t give it away, but if you’re interested in true crime and like to laugh and be enveloped in the stories you hear, check this one out. It’s my #1 go-to podcast.
  • The Basement Yard; Joe Santagato. Need I say more? If for some unfathomable reason you don’t know who he is, you’re missing out. I’ve been watching his YouTube videos for years, I don’t think he posts much anymore on there, but he is hilarious. And drool-worthy. He gives Ryan Gosling a run for his money in my celebrity crush arena. He’s literally laugh-out-loud funny, and his “Idiots of the Internet” is just a trove of treasures. Check his shit.
  • The Health Code; This one is just precious across the board. It’s a super sweet, young Australian couple who share tips and tricks for healthier life all around. They’re both very fitness conscientious, so they have lots of episodes on workouts and training and eating. But they also bring in guest who have conversations about things like meditation, yoga, productivity in business and school and life, balance, raising kids (they had their first this year, I just love these two cupcakes and their lil mini donut). It runs the full gamut of life as a millennial, and they share hilarious and embarrassing stories and moments. They’re honest, candid, and just a pleasure to listen to for a little inspo in life.
  • Crime In Sports; From the same amazing gents that bring you Small Town Murders, they’re “two comedians who take an unmerciful and hilarious look at athletes who’ve lost big games…with the law”. They claim that you don’t even have to like sports to enjoy their show, and it’s true. For reals, these two men are funny, witty, and captivating with their stories of crime.
  • The GaryVee Audio Experience; Gary Vaynerchuk is famous for his entrepreneurial approaches and endeavours. You can watch his YouTube for unlimited inspiration in business and life. He promotes happiness and loving life like no other, he doesn’t bullshit, and he shares his knowledge freely and enthusiastically. If you’re looking for some motivation to get happy, get your shit together, get your business going or growing, check him out. He’s renowned for a reason y’all.

 

I did a couple shutdowns for CNRL at Albian in the spring. I worked for them doing maintenance last year at the Horizon site. It was a whole different kettle of fish, but met some cool people and learned some cool shit. I worked for AECOM this time around and anyone who has ever worked for them knows what a clusterfuck their jobs are. So I was grateful for the money at a time it couldn’t have been more needed. But I would rather not repeat it if I can avoid it. I’ll do a long post someday on the various sites I’ve worked on during my time in oil & gas. I’ve got lots to share about the camps, jobs, people, and experiences overall.

I also landed a super dope, temporary gig on Baffin Island this summer and part of fall. I will also have to do a separate post on that experience, but I’m gunning for a permanent position there so everyone keep your fingers and toes crossed for me! It was the best crew of people I’ve worked with since my Irving shipyard and Cahill construction days. I learned SO SO SO much in such a short time. I made some friends that have truly made me feel so special and just good about myself. My confidence and self-worth have declined big time since my move to BC so it is just magical to me that there are people I meet that think I’m kind of cool. Yay ❤️ It was an insane experience in term of accommodations, literally sleeping in tents in the Arctic. I saw so many Arctic Foxes that it became just another part of each day’s routine. I saw pictures some of the ERT team took on their boat tour of the polar bears that were feasting on a Narwhal carcass in our port across the harbour. I was working in such a surreal, barren, beautiful part of the world that less than 2% of all Canadians will have the pleasure of experiencing. There are no trees there. NONE. It was jaw dropping when I first arrived, and honestly I doubt I would ever be able to become desensitized to the incredible landscape. I loved that job, I wish it had lasted longer than being a fill-in for someone out on medical leave. But I also super hope they give me a call to go up as a planner in the new year. My goal for my career at this point is to be a maintenance planner and scheduler. It’s what I got certified for the beginning of this year, and it’s definitely the area I feel most confident about despite having no experience yet. Anywho, I digress. Arctic was hella dope. Would go back in a heartbeat.

Now I’m applying for jobs in the interim (as fucking usual lol), hoping someone gives me a shot, and mostly just praying I can get a stable gig. It’s hard to be an adult and get ahead in life when you constantly take temp positions or shutdown contracts. No, I’m not whining. Yes, I know that’s on me. If I decide to get into the badness of my last couple years, it’ll make a bit more sense. Til then, just trust that I know it’s on me, and as far as I could see, I haven’t had another option in my current situation.

I’ve lost a little weight that I had been carrying the beginning of the year. I sporadically go to the gym. I was more consistent in Halifax for sure. I go to the gym when I’m at work, and millwright gigs as well as the generator mechanic gig I had keep you walking 15000-20000 steps a day and lifting shit lol. One of the shutdowns I did was pure bull work, so that def helped shave off a little weight. I’ve gotten back into running this year, which I so sorely missed. Gonna keep up with it. Also rekindled my relationships with weight lifting. Slowly finding my love for it again.

 

In a nut shell, I feel like I’m in the same position as I was this time last year, but I’ve grown a little harder and a little sadder and a little lonelier. I’ve also grown a little stronger, a little more determined, and a lot more knowledgable in a lot of things. So I’m counting it as a win overall. I’m gonna be alright in the end. Just still tackling that uphill battle for now. I’m planning on making some major changes across the board in the months to come, and I’ll share what I can as I go. I will try to be more open as I originally intended when I started Cupcakes & Crankshafts. No promises haha, I’ll have to earn back that trust in actions and not words. Happy Saturday to you wherever you are, I’m sending you good vibes from my little bubble of healing and feel free to send some good vibes right back😉

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