Hi cupcakes. I feel like I should reintroduce myself as it’s been almost a year since my last post and I am most certainly not the same gal you knew before.
So hello. My name is Caoimhin, I have had one hell of a year and what a wild ride it’s been. The previous version of me seemed to be a husk. That’s the best way I can describe how I feel about that woman. I’m not quite sure who that girl was, but I can honestly say I won’t miss her. The version before her, on the other hand, left some big shoes to fill and we found ourselves falling flat on our faces. So my current and newest version is going to bring the best from each predecessor, create new conversations and be unapologetically ME. Til the next death LOL.
I have always loved phoenixes for what they represent; rebirth, renewal and strength. I love the ideology so much that my first tattoo sleeve was actually a phoenix. And when I started my company a few years ago, I originally named it “Fenix Enterprises”. That is, until I saw how many companies out there use the phoenix in one manner or another. So it morphed into something much more unique and undeniably suiting. Point is, I love those feathered mofos. When I decided on the tattoo, it was to symbolize the many “me’s” that I’ve embodied over the years. The many traumas and triumphs, changes and growth spurts I’ve undergone. And growing pains hurt like a sucker, but they’re necessary for our personal evolution. So each time my heart is shattered by an event, or a death, or the ending of a relationship, I feel like a new me emerges. She’s always stronger, wiser, more empathetic, and a little closer to being the woman I picture myself growing into at the end of my story. I embrace change (sometimes begrudgingly) and know that the only way through it is through it. I’m shedding the last version of myself, as aforementioned she wasn’t my proudest woman. But I learned SO much from that part of my life. Or, that life really if we’re being allegorical and sticking with the rebirth thing.
I broke off my engagement and relationship just about 8 weeks ago. It was a slow and painful process leading up to the inevitable end, and the reasoning behind it I won’t speak about on here. But I have been so sad, and hurt and scared of this massive change for a while. And I’ve been mourning this relationship, as well as the death of that version of myself, for quite some time. A few years in trickles and pieces to be honest.
I know it’s shitty of me to have been so flighty on my blog. For that, I apologize, and I hope you forgive me while I try to do the same. I kept reiterating that I wanted to become consistent and engaging and blah blah blah. Truth of the matter is that there was no possible way for me to do so while I remained in the situation I created. It ended up taking all of my energy to just survive the dull, listless and lacklustre version I shrank into (notice I don’t view my demolition there as growth – that comes later). You can’t force a square peg into a round hole, and lord knows I spent years looking for a loophole there. Evidently, I didn’t find one. What I did find was unhappiness at changing into someone I didn’t recognize for all the wrong reasons. My heart was in the right place but the wrong home if that makes sense.
Long story short, I hold no hard feelings towards my ex and I truly wish him the best. I hope he finds what he needs and lives a long, happy life. Some days I’m sad that it won’t be with me, but ultimately it’s for the best. We both said and did things that we regretted, turned into people we didn’t know we were capable of being, and love isn’t always enough. Especially when you don’t leave any for yourself. I’m getting therapy and working through the trauma, I am spending all my energy on healing myself and relearning how to care for myself after all this time. I hope he does the same. I hope to never see or speak to him again, but I do wish him well and hope his life is full of the kind of love he needs until the end of his days. I’m aiming for the same thing for myself.
I started a YouTube channel earlier in the year, something I know I’ve talked about wanting to do in years past. I LOVE filming. I LOVE chatting about my experiences. The platform is to talk about being a woman in trades, and get into the FIFO lifestyle in particular, challenges I’ve faced over my time as a millwright, and basically just being somewhere that ladies and come and sit and listen and relate. Or laugh. I haven’t felt the inspiration to do a video in months and months now. I will get back to it, I just need to spend a bit more time focusing on me and learning to navigate through my rebirth from the wreckage. I also want to gear more blog posts towards my experiences as a woman in trades. The channel is named after this blog cause it makes me happy. I think I started it a little preemptively though, my headspace was certainly not good for consistency or opening up about things.
I am going to use my spaces as my own version of therapy. Getting to know myself again (or the new me, whatever view you take, I am not the same person and I need to get to know this Kev), remembering things I’ve experienced and truly taking lessons learned with me.
I can’t say enough how much I appreciate this space for my freedom and expression, and am grateful for anyone who stops by and spends any amount of time scrolling through my verbal diarrhea. Please be a cupcake in this world so chock full of muffins and never forget to take care of number one ❤